When a friend asked me what I intended to write in this article about “blokes”, and I explained the basic concept, her response was: “Oh, you mean the good side of men.” I couldn’t help but chuckle at her sarcastic tone.

Surely they’re not all that bad. In my mind, I ran through a list of the men around me who – in my humble opinion – have given their team a great name, that is, from the point of view of the opposite sex.

The first name to come to mind was, somehow, Brad Pitt. I must excuse myself to all the male readers, but don’t you think that guy’s sexiness went up a notch or two after making a family with Angelina Jolie? The way he lovingly holds his children while staying the epitome of cool is a quality that can make almost any women’s heart melt.

But I don’t have to go to Hollywood to find a great guy. In the last three gatherings I attended (including in my household!), it was the man of the house who cheerfully cooked for all of us while the women sat about chatting.

I even know a bunch of male friends who proudly call themselves breastfeeding dads (twitter @ID_AyahASI): Indonesian husbands who are fully supporting and helping their wives in breastfeeding their children.

These men are obviously not shy of showing their sensitive side, which some might deem too “feminine” or “weak” for a man. Yet, to me, they seem to be more complete, more at ease with their manliness than most.

So what is this quality of “manliness”? What makes a man a man?

Quality Counts
The ongoing – often unproductive – debate over what is appropriate for men (or for women for that matter) seems to stem from the confusion of referring to the biological fact of being male or female rather than to the masculine (active) and feminine (receptive) qualities.

In truth, as many traditions state, every person (whether of the male or female sex) possesses both masculine and feminine qualities, in different amounts. The complete person therefore has these two qualities in balance.

What “balance” means in this context is different for each of us. Nevertheless, seeking balance is natural to us all. In fact, the masculine and feminine qualities in each of us need the other for balance, and to reach their full potential.

It’s unfortunate, then, that in these times, the dominant males – or even females – tend to be those who do not have their feminine qualities in balance and who are interested in self-serving power and wealth. Inappropriate aggression and failure to express emotion – a reflection of the dominant masculine (active) qualities – are often misinterpreted as strength.

The results of this condition – whether on a personal, social, national or global level – are obvious to all – and obviously unfortunate. There is no question in my mind that there needs to be further balancing of the feminine. I have to emphasize, however, that this is a balancing process, and not preference of one or the other.

Becoming a balanced, complete human being requires a compassionate, honest scrutiny of oneself and the courage to really look into our self and see what is going on within, without making any judgment of good or bad … because it is neither.

Through this honest process, we start to realize that all events in the world – including each major or minute change within us – only happen through a continuous, seamless interplay between the two qualities of masculine and feminine. One cannot do without the other.

We recognize the dynamics of the two qualities within us, smoothly shifting their expression like the black and white of the yin and yang principles fading naturally into one another while remaining black or white.

It is only when we allow this masculine–feminine interaction to happen naturally within us that we become a complete human being, without defying the true nature of our biological sex. Man stays true to his male-ness and woman to her female-ness. At the same time, each possesses the balanced ever-changing dynamics of feminine and masculine qualities within.

Significant Others
This leads to another intriguing question: If a person can be complete on his/her own, what then of man–woman relationship? Does it still serve a purpose? Thankfully, yes. In addition to the necessary meeting of man and woman for the sake of procreation, relationships can actually assist us in fulfilling our purpose in life.

Unfortunately, we often use these relationships as a substitute for something that can only be – or needs to be – found within our very own self. This frequently implies projecting onto the partner the exclusive possession of feminine or masculine qualities.

If we do this, we are failing to fully acknowledge their potentiality as a complete human being. We see them as a means to completion, an external complement that we need if we are to complete ourselves. This may lead to severe attachment and intense loneliness if our “other half” is not around.

This is such a shame, considering that, at their best, relationships can actually help us to discover our true selves.

But first things first. Man, take that bold step and reclaim your femininity.

Taken from a beautiful novel by Elif Shafak titled The forty rules of love.

There are so many gems in the book, the only way to learn them is to read the book. I am merely writing the most obvious ones.

So here they are, the forty rules of the religion of love, as stated by Shams of Tabriz in the book.

Happy new year, love.

THE FORTY RULES OF THE RELIGION OF LOVE

1. How we see God is a direct reflection of how we see ourselves. If God brings to mind mostly fear and blame, it means there is too much fear and blame welled inside us. If we see God as full of love and compassion, so are we.
2. The Path to the Truth is a labor of the heart, not of the head. Make your heart your primary guide! Not your mind. Meet, challenge, and ultimately prevail over your nafs with your heart. Knowing your self will lead you to the knowledge of God.
3. Each and every reader comprehends the Holy Qur’an on a different level in tandem with the depth of his understanding. There are four levels of insight. The first level is the outer meaning and it is the one that the majority of the people are content with. Next is the batini—the inner level. Third, there is the inner of the inner. And the fourth level is so deep it cannot be put into words and is therefore bound to remain indescribable.
4. You can study God through everything and everyone in the universe, because God is not confined in a mosque, synagogue, or church. But if you still in need of knowing where exactly His abode is, there is only one place to look for Him: in the heart of a true lover.
5. Intellect and love are made of different materials. Intellect ties people in knots and risks nothing, but love dissolves all tangles and risks everything. Intellect is always cautious and advises, ‘Beware too much ecstasy,’ whereas love says, ‘Oh take the plunge!’ Intellect does not easily break down, whereas love can effortlessly reduce itself to rubble. But treasures are hidden among ruins. A broken heart hides treasures.
6. Most of the problems of the world stems from linguistic mistakes and simple misunderstandings. Don’t ever take words at face value. When you step into the zone of love, language as we know it becomes obsolete. That which cannot be put into words can only be grasped through silence.
7. Loneliness and solitude are two different things. When you are lonely, it is easy to delude yourself into believing that you are on the right path. Solitude is better for us, for it means being alone without feeling lonely. But eventually it is best to find a person, the person who will be your mirror. Remember, only in another person’s heart can you truly see yourself and the presence of God within you.
8. Whatever happens in your life, no matter how troubling things might seem, do not enter the neighborhood of despair. Even when all doors remained closed, God will open up a new path only for you. Be thankful! It is easy to be thankful when all is well. A Sufi is thankful not only for what he has been given but also for all that he has been denied.
9. Patience does not mean to passively endure. It means to be farsighted enough to trust the end result of a process. What does patience mean? It means to look at the thorn and see the rose, to look at the night and see the dawn. Impatience means to be shortsighted as to not able to see the outcome. The lovers of God never run out of patience, for they know that time is needed for the crescent moon to become full.
10. East, west, south, or north makes little difference. No matter what your destination, just be sure to make every journey a journey within. If you travel within, you’ll travel the whole world and beyond.
11. The midwife knows that when there is no pain, the way for the baby cannot be opened and the mother cannot give birth. Likewise, for a new Self to be born, hardship is necessary. Just as clay needs to go through intense heat to be strong, Love can only be perfected in pain.
12. The quest of Love changes us. There is no seeker among those who search for Love who has not matured on the way. The moment you start looking for Love, you start to change within and without.
13. There are more fake gurus and false teachers in this world than the number of stars in the visible universe. Don’t confuse power driven, self-centered people with true mentors. A genuine spiritual master will not direct your attention to himself or herself and will not expect absolute obedience or utter admiration from you, but instead will help you to appreciate and admire your inner self. True mentors are as transparent as glass. They let the Light of God pass through them.
14. Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?
15. God is busy with the completion of your work, both outwardly and inwardly. He is fully occupied with you. Every human being is a work in progress that is slowly but inexorably moving toward perfection. We are each an unfinished work of art both waiting and striving to be completed. God deals with each of us separately because humanity is a fine art of skilled penmanship where every single dot is equally important for the entire picture.
16. It’s easy to love a perfect God, unblemished and infallible that He is. What is far more difficult is to love fellow human beings with all their imperfections and defects. Remember, one can only know what one is capable is of loving. There is no wisdom without love. Unless we learn to love God’s creation, we can neither truly love nor truly know God.
17. Real filth is the one inside. The rest simply washes off. There is only one type of dirt that cannot be cleansed with pure waters, and that is the stain of hatred and bigotry contaminating the soul. You can purify your body through abstinence and fasting, but only love will purify your heart.
18. The whole universe is contained within a single human being–you. Everything that you see around, including the things you might not be fond of and even the people you despise or abhor, is present within you in varying degrees. Therefore, do not look for Sheitan outside yourself either. The devil is not an extraordinary force that attacks from without. It is an ordinary voice within. If you get to know yourself fully, facing with honesty and hardness both your dark and bright sides, you will arrive as a supreme form of consciousness. When a person knows himself or herself, he or she knows God.
19. If you want to change the way others treat you, you should first change the way you treat yourself. Unless you learn to love yourself, fully and sincerely, there is no way you can be loved. Once you achieve that stage, however, be thankful for every thorn that others might throw at you. It’s a sign that you will soon be showered in roses.
20. Fret not where the road will take you. Instead concentrate on the first step. That’s the hardest part and that’s what you are responsible for. Once you take that step let everything do what it naturally does and the rest will follow. Do not go with the flow. Be the flow.
21. We were all created in His image, and yet we were each created different and unique. No two people are alike. No two hearts beat to the same rhythm. If God had wanted everyone to be the same, He would have made it so. Therefore, disrespecting differences and imposing your thoughts on others is tantamount to disrespecting God’s holy scheme.
22. When a true lover of God goes into a tavern, the tavern becomes his chamber of prayer, but when a wine bibber goes into the same chamber, it becomes his tavern. In everything we do, it is our hearts that make the difference, not our outer appearances. Sufis do not judge other people on how they look or who they are. When a Sufi stares at someone, he keeps both eyes closed and instead opens a third eye–the eye that sees inner realm.
23. Life is a temporary loan, and this world is nothing but a sketchy imitation of Reality. Only children would mistake a toy for the real thing. And yet human beings either become infatuated with the toy or disrespectfully break it and throw it aside. In this life stay away from all kinds of extremities, for they will destroy your inner balance. Sufis do not go to extremes. A Sufi always remains mild and moderate.
24. The human being has a unique place among God’s creation. “I breathed into him of My Spirit,” God says. Each and every one of us without exception is designed to be God’s delegate on earth. Ask yourself, just how often do you behave like a delegate, if you ever do so? Remember, it falls upon each of us to discover the divine spirit inside and live by it.
25. Hell is in the here and now. So is heaven. Quit worrying about hell or dreaming about heaven, as they are both present inside this very moment. Every time we fall in love, we ascend to heaven. Every time we hate, or fight someone, we tumble straight into the fires of hell.
26. The universe is one being. Everything and everyone is interconnected through an invisible web of stories. Whether we are aware of it or not, we are all in a silent conversation. Do no harm. Practice compassion. And do not gossip behind anyone’s back–not even a seemingly innocent remark! The words that come out of our mouth do not vanish but are perpetually stored in infinite space, and they will come back to us in due time. One man’s pain will hurt us all. One man’s joy will make everyone happy.
27. The world is like a snowy mountain that echoes your voice. Whatever you speak, good or evil, will somehow come back to you. Therefore, if there is someone who harbors ill thoughts about you, saying similarly bad things about him will only make matters worse. You will be locked in a vicious circle of malevolent energy. Instead for forty days and nights say and think nice things about that person. Everything will be different at the end of forty days, because you will be different inside.
28. The past in an interpretation. The future is an illusion. The world does not move through time as if it were a straight line, proceeding from the past to the future. Instead time moves through and within us, in endless spirals. Eternity does not mean infinite time, but simply timelessness. If you want to experience eternal illumination, put the past and the future out of your mind and remain within the present moment.
29. Destiny doesn’t mean that your life has been strictly predetermined. Therefore, to leave everything to fate and to not actively contribute to the music of the universe is a sign of sheer ignorance. The music of the universe is all-pervading and it is composed on forty different levels. Your destiny is the level where you will play your tune. You might not change your instrument but how well to play is entirely in your hands.
30. The true Sufi is such that even when he is unjustly accused, attacked, and condemned from all sides, he patiently endures, uttering not a single bad word about any of his critics. A Sufi never apportions blame. How can there be opponents or rivals or even “others” when there is no “self” in the first place? How can there be anyone to blame when there is only One?
31. If you want to strengthen your faith, you will need to soften inside. For your faith to be rock solid, your heart needs to be as soft as a feather. Through an illness, accident, loss, or fright, one way or another, we are all forced with incidents that teach us how to become less selfish and judgmental, and more compassionate and generous. Yet some of us learn the lesson and manage to become milder, while others end up becoming even harsher than before. The only way to get closer to the Truth is to expand your heart so that it will encompass all humanity and still have room for more Love.
32. Nothing should stand between yourself and God. Not imans, priests, rabbis, or any other custodians of moral or religious leadership. Not spiritual masters, not even your faith. Believe in your values and your rules, but never lord them over others. If you keep breaking other people’s hearts, whatever religious duty you perform is no good. Stay away from all sorts of idolatry, for they will blur your vision. Let God and only God be your guide. Learn the Truth, my friend, but be careful not to make a fetish out of your truths.
33. While everyone in this world strives to get somewhere and becomes someone, only to leave all behind after death, you aim for the supreme stage of nothingness. Live this life as light and empty as the number zero. We are no different from a pot. It is not the decorations outside but the emptiness inside that holds us straight. Just like that, it is not what we aspire to achieve but the consciousness of nothingness that keeps us going.
34. Submission does not mean being weak or passive. It leads to neither fatalism nor capitulation. Just the opposite. True power resides in submission–a power that comes from within. Those who submit to the divine essence of life will live in unperturbed tranquility and peace even when the whole wide world goes through turbulence after turbulence.
35. In this world, it is not similarities or regularities that take us a step forward, but blunt opposites. And all the opposites in the universe are present within each and every one if us. Therefore the believer needs to meet the unbeliever residing within. And the nonbeliever should get to know the silent faithful in him. Until the day one reaches the stage of insan-i-kamil, faith is a gradual process and one that necessitates its seeming opposite: disbelief.
36. This world is erected upon the principle of reciprocity. Neither a drop of kindness nor a speck of evil will remain unreciprocated. Fear not the plots, deceptions, or tricks of other people. If somebody is setting a trap, remember, so is God. He is the biggest plotter. Not even a leaf stirs outside God’s knowledge. Simply and fully believe in that. Whatever God does, he does beautifully.
37. God is a meticulous clockmaker. So precise is His order that everything on earth happens in its own time. Neither a minute late nor a minute early. And for everyone without exception, the clock works accurately. For each there is a time to love and a time to die.
38. It is never too late to ask yourself, “Am I ready to change the life I am living? Am I ready to change within?” Even if a single day in your life is the same as the day before, it surely is a pity. At every moment and with each new breath, one should be renewed and renewed again. There is only one way to be born into a new life: to die before death.
39. While the parts change, the whole always remains the same. For every thief who departs this world, a new one is born. And every decent person who passes away is replaced by a new one. In this way not only does nothing remain the same but also nothing ever really changes.
40. A life without love is of no account. Don’t ask yourself what kind of love you should seek, spiritual or material, divine or mundane, Eastern or Western…Divisions only lead to more divisions. Love has no labels, no definitions. It is what it is, pure and simple. Love is the water of life. And a lover is a soul of fire! The universe turns differently when fire loves water.

Salaam

PS: Thank you for introducing me to the book, friend.

How happy I was
To sit before you
Listening to your chatter
Joyfully
Telling me about your days
Your work, home, family, friends
And the small details in life

My smile bloomed
Light, spontaneous
You reminded me of something
Of me, my happiness, my lightness
You reminded me of my love

I said to you
Seldom did I see friends at our age
That remained so passionate
About their work or life

You stared at me
Puzzled
Why would anybody be like that?
Insisting
On something they don’t even like

I went silent, I could not answer
Because I knew well
That I sometimes had been guilty as charged
Immersed in the sad stories
Which I created in my own mind, repeatedly
A self-constructed prison

Your stories, and how you tell them, ignited another sensation
In me
Vaguely, stretching sluggishly
Due to a prolonged sleep

You reminded me of something
Of me, of my joy, and of my lightness
You reminded me of my love

I realize how I love
Love my life
And every dent, big or small, in my life
How I–in fact–enjoy it tremendously
Sometimes without me realizing
Due to those stacks of make-belief feelings and thoughts

But no more, enough
From now on, joy, lightness, love
Without the illusive burden of feelings and thoughts

My smile blooms
Light, spontaneous
And with that, my steps lighten
Unstoppable, full of love and gratitude

Thank you, for reminding me of love

Picture was taken from here and here.

Ah, that classic scene of a child on her bike, waving, shouting proudly to her mom, full of happiness and a sense of fulfillment and freedom, oblivious to the fact that, at any moment, she just might lose her balance and fall. Who cares? At the time, she is simply on top of the world!

And that, ladies and gents, pretty much sums up how I feel about travel.

By far this is somehow the most difficult piece for me to write for the WEEKENDER, which is odd. Among friends, I am known as a seasoned traveler. Yet I found myself struggling to sum up my feelings about traveling in 1000 words.

I treasure the times I travel. I want to give travel its due without exaggerating it. I want to stay honest with my experiences. So I asked myself: what is it about traveling that entices me most, what does it mean to me and what does it do to me?

And that vision came to mind: a child on her bike, immersed in that moment of complete freedom, joy and fulfillment. It is an experience of utter abandonment, in the most positive sense of the word. Total freedom.

Whether I am traveling by air, by bus or on foot, I feel like I am going to a theater to watch nature’s grand play. I simply sit, enjoy the show and occasionally do a standing ovation to such a beautiful, entertaining performance.

Perhaps it is the fact that we are in a different place – in a different environment, doing different activities, meeting different people – that makes travel so refreshing. We see things with fresh eyes and have fewer expectations as to how things will turn out. Hence, we feel lighter.

Travel also makes a strong case that things are simply beyond our control. It is easier for us to acknowledge that a lot of things can happen while on the move that we cannot control. We practice letting go of our expectations, accepting what may come and adapting to changes during our journey, often somewhat subconsciously.

This also applies to the people we meet, from all walks of life. Some we want to keep in touch with, but most simply fade away in our memories. They’ve done their bit in our encounter with them.

Lab School
All of this sounds a lot like life, really. In fact, I personally believe that travel is a miniature, a snapshot of life. Travel is our laboratory of life in which we feel safe(r) to experiment with our self.

I always take advantage of my travels to reflect on how I am and to observe myself as I travel. You might say that I have made myself part of the play that I am watching.

I do little experiments when traveling, especially when I go by myself. I do something new or different from how I go about things when I am home.

I go with gut feelings, moment by moment, to answer these questions: Where would I like to go now? What do I feel like doing? And whatever response arises, I follow it.

And because I have a less rigid concept about how I need to be, I release all those pressures that we call “external” but which I have actually put on myself and allow myself to be me more easily. I take off my watch, leave my cell phone behind and try (very hard, sometimes) to stay away from Internet cafés.

On my last trip, for instance, three friends and I met up in Bali. We arrived at different times but stayed at the same hotel. From the word go, we agreed that we did not need to be together at all time, but could go our separate ways. Once in a while, we got together and shared our stories.

Our trip became richer and everyone was happy. It was a good exercise in being honest with ourselves and our companions. It was, honestly, very freeing to stay true to oneself. (another important lesson here: Pick your travel companions well. Do yourself a favor and choose those who are on the same wavelength as you).

This and the many other experiments I have put myself through during my travels have somehow made a huge impact on how I am in my everyday life today. Through travel, I learn about myself. I find my rhythm in life. I learn to become more myself, to embrace myself and to enjoy being me. Through these travels, I have discovered that I love being me and I have fallen in love with life.

I learned something else recently. A friend asked me to share my travel experience with teenage street kids at a school where she volunteered. I told a story about a trip I made years ago. I wondered why I needed to bring up something that happened long ago. It felt somewhat irrelevant and obsolete to me.

Then I realized that it was not about me anymore. My travel has become non-personal in the sense that it is time to share what I have learned with others. And if traveling really does reflect life, then this applies to life in general as well: It is high time to share. It is not about just you or me anymore – life is so much bigger than that.

Here’s my invitation to you: Get the guts, go traveling. Pick a destination that speaks to you most at this moment. Go there. Be as you are, as best as you possibly can, at any given time. Never mind what other people think about you; never mind what you think about yourself. Just be. And see where it leads you. I imagine you too will release the controls and shout, “Look, ma, no hands!”

I have been knocking all my life at the door.
The door opened.
I realized I have been knocking from inside.
-Jalaluddin Rumi

“I wonder what it would be like if and when I write a book”
Said I over one lunch time with you
One of the few times that we meet
Which sometimes feel a bit too few for my liking

“Let’s just see what would come out..”
You said, lightly, yet somehow always seems perfect
“Perhaps like those little anecdotes without explanation, just like what you often write on your other blog”
“Or maybe in the form of poems, like what you used to write on this blog”
You added, with those soft, gentle eyes gazing
Always warming, always calming

Poems, ah, I almost have forgotten
About that writing style of mine
Which I actually like, very much so
When speech no longer able to form
A train of perfect words we call sentences
When there is not more to utter
But broken words

And I truly realize

Whenever the stroke of my pen has turned into broken words
That could be because I no longer am capable of constructing perfect sentences
It does not feel necessary anymore, nor was I able, to say more
Expressions become raw, unrefined
What comes out, is honest, deep and from the heart

This chain of words have been trimmed without any effort on my part
Without any excess of unnecessary words
Or words that have been added solely for the purpose of
Making the piece pretty and understandable

I know,

When my writing has turned into broken words
In Indonesian, I would use the word “aku”, a more personal, informal form of “I”, rather than the usual “saya”
I am no longer comfortable of using a third person singular
Which would only blur the depth of what I am saying
So, I use a second person singular, “you”

Because I am writing for you
No, not really, I am actually writing for me
With you as my perfect mirror
Which always remind me of the beauty
That shines abundantly from you, from me

So that you would really feel
That I am being honest with you
That I speak from my heart, and hopefully to yours too
Whoever “you” might be in this particular instant
Perhaps only you would know, or maybe even you would not realize

Those broken words
Are what I am trying to revive
As part of my attempt to be true again
To you, but in all honesty, primarily to me

I want to be how I am, as I am
Without minding what you would think of me
And even with disregard to what I think of me

How beautiful it would be if we can be as simple as just being
Honest, deep and from the heart

Thank you. For reminding me. Of me.

Broken chain picture: http://bit.ly/siMjJz
Handwriting picture: http://bit.ly/tXy8AR

Catalyst aims at assisting NGOs in increasing their professionalism and effectiveness in their communications initiative. The program includes 12 training sessions on various media and communications skills within a span of six month period.

Interested NGOs are invited to fill in the form in the document at Scribd below and send it to Maverick. Maverick would then review the entries and determine which NGOs would be included in this year’s Catalyst program.